I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
