There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
