Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
