Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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