he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
