i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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