she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
