me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
