Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
