no, he came in my armpit
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
