i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
