I feel like I'm in dance class right now
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
