I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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