one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
