booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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