i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
