my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
