My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
