I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
