The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
