I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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