my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
