Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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