Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We left the knife in your bed.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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