I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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