I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
