McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
