i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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