Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Randomize
