How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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