hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I lost the right to judge tonight
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
