According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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