i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
