How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
