Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
