sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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