Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
