tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
