I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
