Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
