I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
