There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
