his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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