wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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