I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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