dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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