I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
