I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
