I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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