I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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