as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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