this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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